How Not to Be an Insta Jerk

The Eiffel Tower through a goblet of wine. An ice cream cone on the Laguna Beach boardwalk. A sprinkle-flecked cupcake on the horizon at sunset. We have no idea how food in front of landscapes became the trend du jour. But if you think the Empire State Building rising behind your half bagel is enticing travel photography, maybe it’s time to offset those calories (and give our Instagram feeds a break).

FDLFPAW: Friends don’t let friends post airplane wings. If this was 1908 and you nabbed a snapshot of the Wright Brothers’ propeller-driven biplane with your Kodak folding film camera, we’d give you mad props. But everyone has been on a commercial airline, so unless there’s something frightening, hysterical, amazing, or seemingly notable that sets your jaunt apart, then skip it.

For the record, browsing Pinterest is not the same as being a literary scholar. But you already gave yourself away with that shot of you on a white swan pool raft drinking White Girl rosé from the bottle. Sorry folks, watching Viggo Mortensen play William S. Burroughs on Netflix doesn’t cut it, nor does it give you free rein to dispense “free-spirited” sayings.

Whatcha thinkin' about there, Aristotle? You took the Barcelona cable car to the Montjuïc lookout, we see, and you snapped that epic photo of you taking in the wide blue yonder. We hope you found inner peace and a deeper appreciation of life’s mysteries. Thanks for taking us along on your journey.

We fully support your commitment to yoga, but that doesn’t mean you have to break out the Birds of Paradise pose in front of the Pyramids of Giza. Krishna will forgive you: It’s in his job description. Your body is killer and you're bursting with self-love — and we know this already because we follow you on Instagram.

Your lounge chair life would induce a lot more jealousy if your tootsies weren’t in the way. We’re not trying to pick on you: Everyone’s feet are pretty gross — and we'd rather see that postcard-worthy infinity pool than your bunions.

OMG you’re pushing over the Leaning Tower of Pisa! Pinching the Statue of Liberty with your fingers! But you're not fooling us. All of our “fingers” have touched the point of the Louvre. That being said, you’re likely to get a good laugh (or a like) out of a perspective manipulation fail. So the next time your mom flashes an awkward pose as she tries to “lift up” the Eiffel Tower, snap the picture —we may even give you some lols.

We'll admit, it's damn fun to do. A midair scissor kick, arms splayed out like wings, in front of the Taj Mahal, or a group jump on a white-sand beach. But Just curious: How many tries did it take to get to capture the shot? Not worth it.

How you really woke up was with your “Don’t Worry Be Yonce” tee stained with coffee and covered in croissant crumbs. Come on, you know you just designed a morning mood board on a chalk-white hotel bedspread: preciously placed mug of coffee, vibrant fruit medley, stylish-taste-projecting magazine. A more fitting caption would be: "Look at me, people. I'm trying very hard to convince you I live a postcard-perfect life (one that YOU can't afford).

You're not the first to use “Under the Tuscan Sun” in Tuscany or “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi” at the Moulin Rouge. Or “California Dreamin,” “Out of Africa” or, god forbid, "Roman Holiday." Please don't do it. Just don't.

Your brunch spread in Williamsburg is “Brooklyn Vibes.” A double-decker bus across the pond, "London Vibes." Want to keep your loyal followers on their toes? Hit them with #nocaption.